It's my life too

End of my rope

2009-08-07T07:11:00.002-04:00

How many times have I said that? How many times have I been here? More than I ever thought was possible.

One positive thing is that Keith has made out fine at daycare. He doesn't really love going but he's been fine there.

He's started seeing a therapist. She mentioned possibly getting him re-evaluated for Asperger's. We'll talk more about it at his next appointment.

Until then, we're struggling. He's so angry and defiant. Tantrums that last an hour or more. Mouthing off. Nothing helps. We've rewarded, we've taken away privileges, we've yelled, we've screamed, we've spanked, we've talked to him quietly. No results.

I'm so tired.

Summer days

2009-06-05T07:54:00.003-04:00

Four days of school left. eeeek! I'm not ready for summer. Keith gets incredibly bored. There just isn't enough to keep him busy and there isn't enough structure to his day to keep him under control.

He'll be spending a couple of days with Papa and a couple of days at daycare with Caleb. Should be interesting!

Seasons of change...new friends...old friends

2009-05-12T13:00:00.004-04:00

I've been struggling lately with the sense that one of my friendships is changing. J and I have been friends for a very long time. We became friends 15 years ago when I started dating her brother. That relationship ended long ago but J and I remained constant.

A few years ago, a new family moved into the area and became involved with our fire company and there ended up being a HUGE falling out between them and some members of the company, J and her extended family included. I, however, remained friendly with the new family, H and D. Last fall, H offered to transport Caleb to daycare along with her daughter. I was and still am very appreciative of this! This really really helps us out a ton!

Just lately, H and I have been becoming even better friends. We've discovered we have a lot in common. Both of our oldest children have ADHD. We have the same taste in music. The same sense of humor. We're on the same wavelength ALOT. And our families mesh really well. Brian and D get along very well. Our kids get along very well. So we've been hanging out with them quite a bit lately.

Even before that though, I've felt my friendship with J drifting. We still talk occasionally. I still see her at the fire station and other places. But its not the same. We don't hang out. Our families don't hang out together. Their family dynamic is so much different than ours. Her husband, T, doesn't spend a lot of time with the family as a whole. He is more worried about doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it. They don't often do family activities. And if they do, J and T are often not speaking. They have a very rocky relationship sometimes so its uncomfortable to be around them.

It saddens me. I love J, she's been a big part of my life for a long time...but its different now.

Change is hard.

'Tis the T-ball season

2009-05-06T07:56:00.002-04:00

And lordy, does it frustrate me!

We all know Keith has the attention span of a gnat but come on! All we (and the coaches!) do is tell him to pay attention, stand up, stop kicking dirt....rinse, repeat. ARGH!

And this has only been at practice. Their first game is Thursday.

Brian took Keith to practice last night and Keith kicked a little boy! What.the.fuck?! Said the kid was bugging him and kicked him. Now, no one else that was there saw the kid touch Keith.

Evenings have gotten increasingly harder. I know its because his meds are all worn off by then and I hate to give him another booster late in the day but I'm so irritated with this stuff.

Just a number, right?

2009-04-24T11:19:00.002-04:00

Brian out of the blue last night asked me if I was having a hard time with the fact that I'm turning 30 this year. No, I'm really not. He said that a mom at Keith's T-ball practice was going on and on about how she'd just turned 30. He told her 30 was nothing. He'll be 37 this July.

Okay, holy fuck, when did that happen?! I mean, I know my husband's age. And he's by no means old. Old is like 80. But 37 is only 3 years from 40. How can my husband be almost 40?

When did we grow up and how do we make it stop?

Perfect Day!

2009-04-20T12:50:00.002-04:00

Saturday was a fantastic day! The weather was beautiful and Brian and I got to spend the day together.

We dropped the boys off at MIL's at 9am and didn't pick them up until 7pm. We went to the hospital to visit my sister and her new baby Willow. Willow is a preemie and is in the NICU but she's doing REALLY well. After that we went shopping. I needed some new clothes for work and I found some really good deals.

I also scored a Twilight/Team Edward Tote at Walmart! Best find of the day! Okay, it might be a tie between that and the book Brian and I got at Spencer's . *grin*

Umm, wow, it's April

2009-04-10T10:58:00.004-04:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged since September! Opps!

Well, Caleb loves daycare/preschool! It's his favorite place ever to spend his day. Over the winter, he was home with Daddy Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays because Brian was laid off. Caleb wasn't sure that was a good thing but they both survived. Brian's now back to work and Caleb's back to preschool 4 days a week. He's happy!

Keith continues to do wonderful in school. His first two report cards of the year held straight A's. This last one was all A's except for one B! I couldn't ask for a smarter kid. We've been so lucky in the fact that his ADHD has not impacted his school experience much at all. I'm not looking forward to summer with this boy. Most kids can't wait for summer, right? Not Keith. He'd rather be in school, where there are things to do all day long.

Living in a very rural area, there aren't that many summertime activities for kids so he gets VERY bored.

The last couple of months, Brian and I have found ourselves in a very good place in our marriage. We've had some ROUGH ROUGH times and I truly believe they've made us stronger as a couple. During those times, I will readily admit that I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel but we kept chugging along and now we've found that light and are enjoying it very much.

In other news, I'm going to be an Aunt!! My sister, Wendy, is almost 33 weeks pregnant with her first child. She has an 11 year old stepdaughter, Harley, but this baby (Willow) will be Wendy's first. She's having a rough time. She's been at a NICU hospital for a week as of today because of Pre-eclampsia. Right now, its a day to day evaluation of her condition. The doctors are just basically waiting for the day Wendy's blood pressure starts to rise dramatically and hope that it isn't too soon. We'd all like Willow to bake a little while longer.

That's what is new in our part of the world! Hopefully it won't be so long between updates, huh? ;-)

Solution!

2008-09-29T12:40:00.002-04:00

We've enrolled Caleb in daycare/preschool four days a week. My parents will watch him on Mondays. On Tuesdays and Thursdays a friend of mine whose daughter attends this same daycare will take Caleb with her. Yay! for good friends. Wednesdays and Fridays my dad has offered to take Caleb to daycare. Yay! for good daddys!

It's going to put an even bigger strain on our budget but I honestly didn't have much choice when I tried to call M on Friday with a question and found her telephone disconnected. Wouldn't have been a big deal but we live in the land of no cell service and she has NO neighbors. What do you suppose she would have done in an emergency???

Wishing time away

2008-09-23T07:04:00.002-04:00

I hate to do that but I can't wait for Caleb to go to school.

Once again, we're having babysitter issues. GAH! M gave us two days notice that she can no longer watch C on Wednesday's because she's joined a bowling league that bowls Wed. afternoons. *rolling eyes* Gee, that's great.

We're searching for a solution.

The results

2008-08-26T14:49:00.001-04:00

So having time to read and digest the report from the neuropsych, here are the main points.

Keith is above average in intelligence, he just doesn't have the capablity to focus long enough to reach his full potention.

The offical diagnosis is:

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder – Combined Type
Adjustment Reaction with Mixed Disturbance of Emotions and Conduct

The first one...well, we knew that. The second one...umm I have no clue! LOL

But the doctor gave us some great tips and tricks to do to help Keith.

I've also contacted the Department of Special Education at school to start the evaluation process for an Individual Education Plan (IEP) so he doesn't get lost in the system.

Speaking of school, it starts next Tuesday and I.can't.wait!! This summer has been difficult for us all because Keith needs so much structure to his day and its just not been possible. He gets very bored and then acts out.

It's hard to believe summer is nearly over. It's gone by so quickly.

Oh my

2008-08-15T13:12:00.004-04:00

I know, I know...you probably want an update, right? I just don't have it in me right now. So.much.information!

So I want to give you a bit of eye candy to start off your weekend.

Check out Olympic swimmer, Michael Phelps....

Can you say Holy hot? ;-)

Waiting and summer days

2008-08-05T11:27:00.003-04:00

That's where we are right now, justing waiting.

What are we waiting on, you ask? Well, on July 30th Keith had a 2 hour neuropsychological evaluation. We get the results of that on August 12th.

Brian twisted his knee a couple of months ago and it was still bothering him so I made him see our doctor. An MRI revealed two tears. One in the tendon attaching his knee to his lower leg and and ACL tear. GREAT! (Hear the sarcasm?) So we wait for an appointment with a specialist (August 29). We're hoping that we can hold off major treatment until after Brian is laid off in December. We'll see, I guess.

Last Friday night we set up a borrowed tent in the backyard. We had a campfire and made S'mores then crawled into our tent for the night. This was a test run, you see. I wanted to make sure that the boys would settle fairly well to sleep in a tent before we went off camping somewhere. I needn't have worried. They talked for about 15 minutes and dropped off to sleep.

Guess we'll be okay to go camping! I hope we can find time for it yet this summer!

It's my life too?

2008-07-31T08:32:00.002-04:00

The title of my blog is a lie. It doesn't feel like its my life too. I feel totally consumed (not in a good way) with worry about my kids, especially Keith, and worry about money.

I don't know who *I* am. I know its important to make time for myself but how? How am I supposed to take the time and money to do something for myself without feeling guilty? The money should be used elsewhere...not on me.

I guess I'll figure it out someday, right?

Pros and Cons

2008-07-29T10:18:00.002-04:00

There are big pros and cons to living close to your family. We live very near to my parents. This has enabled my boys to have a fantastic, close relationship with them. They have been of tremendous help to us in many many ways. And we are very grateful for all their help.

This, however, seems to have made my Mom think that she can meddle in our lives and say things to me that you wouldn't think anyone would *ever* say to someone's face.

I have pretty much been able to shrug these things off....until last night. She made a very very ignorant remark about my husband. I hung up on her and haven't spoken with her since.

She has been at times very detrimental to any progress we make with Keith. She coddles him. Not that I think that children shouldn't be coddled a bit now and then but every time he gets in trouble for something while she's there, she baby's him. Frustrating, don't you think?

I love my parents. My dad doesn't normally have a lot to say...Mom makes up for it, I guess.

Unfortunately, this has shown me that we need create a bit of distance with them. And I need to set some ground rules for dealing with Keith. He's MY son. And its time she realizes it is none of her business how I handle my son and how he is punished.

Hello!

2008-07-24T15:23:00.002-04:00

Anyone still out there?

Yeah, I know...its been too long. Life has gotten in the way.

Stay tuned, I'll try harder.

Happy New Year!

2007-12-31T14:20:00.001-05:00

Here's hoping the new year brings health and happiness to everyone!

Also, please keep baby Z in your thoughts. He's a sick sick baby right now and I'm sending all the positive thoughts I have his way.

Appointment Update

2007-12-10T08:20:00.000-05:00

Saturday, the entire day, was horrible. I wanted to run away forever.

Keith did not get up and ready to go well. He fought over every little thing. He was a total bear. I did not give him his medicine because I wanted him to be his normal hyperactive self at the psychiatrist’s office. So he was bouncing off the walls too. Brian has no patience. He was getting pissed off at Keith and being nasty to him, so I got on Brian’s case for that. So there starts Brian and I fighting. In the midst of that, Brian tells me that I’m lucky that its not 15 year ago. Huh? He then informs me that he used to have an anger management problem and if he had been dealing with Keith at that time, he probably would have hurt Keith by now and he’s trying very hard not to get back to that point. I’m haunted by that conversation still. We did not speak the entire way to the appointment.

Keith’s appointment was at 10 am. We weren’t sure exactly how long it would take us to get there and weren’t sure exactly where the place was so left in plenty of time. We ended up being 45 minutes early. And it was 15 minutes past our appointment time before we were called in.

They had mailed us paperwork to fill out a week or so ago that we took with us. My first impression of Dr. C was meh. He started out by going over the paperwork we filled out. When he saw that Keith has been seeing Dr. N, the psychologist, he asked what we were there to see him for. I was pretty confused by that question and must have looked it. Dr. C says that he’s a psychologist and didn’t understand if we already had a psychologist, why we were seeing him. I was a bit ticked at the way he said that and explained to him that Keith’s doctor didn’t feel comfortable managing his meds anymore and referred us to this office. They set up the appointment for us and that’s about all I knew. So he figures out that he basically is doing an intake interview for the psychiatrist.

One of the questions on the papers I had to fill out was for the parents. The question was “What are you proud of?” My answer was very honest. I’m proud that we have not lost our sanity yet. Dr. C kind of chuckled at that and I told him that it was the God’s honest truth. Dr. C talked to Keith some about school, etc. During this time (15 minutes maybe), Keith was sitting on my lap. Picking at the wall. Sliding down my legs. Back on my lap. Kneeling on my lap looking at the picture on the wall. On the floor. Back on my lap on his knees facing me ducking his head down in my lap. I told him to stop and sit down. He did not. Dr. C got up and picked him up off my lap and sat him down in his desk chair. Told him he needed to sit there and asked him if he knew why. Keith said no so Dr. C told him it was because he was bugging Mommy and didn’t listen when I said stop. Keith shrugged it off and started getting into the stuff on Dr. C’s desk. I told him to Stop and like normal, he didn’t even hear me. Dr. C looked at me and said, “It’s been like this for 2 years or so, huh?” I said Yes. And nearly cried when he said “I understand why you’re proud of not losing your sanity.” No one has ever ever ever said they understand what we’re dealing with every day.

That was pretty much the end of our appointment. We now need to see the psychiatrist, Dr. M. Dr. C said we didn’t need to see him again since we were already seeing a psychologist but Brian and I talked it over and if we’re going to be going there to see Dr. M, and still need the psychologist we might as well see Dr. C.

After we left there we went to lunch and then Walmart. Santa happened to be there so Keith got to see Santa. He was so incredibly awful the entire time in Walmart. He wandered off every time you turned around. He didn’t pay attention to where he was walking and kept running into people. He stopped at every little thing that caught his eye. He couldn’t keep his hands off anything. It.was.awful. I was so glad to get home. I gave him his afternoon medicine and made him play in his room until it kicked in.

The receptionist should call me today to set up the appointment with the psychiatrist. I hope its soon.

been a long time

2007-12-04T15:00:00.000-05:00

Wow, I can't believe its been so long since I blogged.

I guess I just haven't had anything new to complain about. *shrug*

Keith has an appointment with a psychiatrist this Saturday. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we all like him. We're seeing this guy because our primary doctor isn't comfortable continuing to manage his meds. And the psychologist he's been seeing, being a psychologist and not a psychiatrist, can't prescribe meds.

Please let this be the doctor that can help us.

What happened to us?

2007-10-09T12:13:00.000-04:00

My husband asked me this question last night after the biggest screaming fight we've ever had. And I have no clue. I don't know what's happening to us.

I do know between financial problems and Keith's behavioral problems, I'm so stressed out I feel like I'm going crazy most days. I know those things are affecting our marriage.

I'm resentful towards Brian because he has his bowling league once a week. And I don't feel that he contributes a fair share towards the household chores. I've asked him to help out more. He feels he's doing plenty, he tells me.

He's been so irritable and grumpy lately. I'm not the only one that's noticed it. Everyone has been asking me what's wrong with Brian? I have no clue. When I asked him about it he said he wasn't aware that he was grumpy.

Last nights fight started before we even got home from Keith's therapy appointment. I stopped to pick Caleb up from Mom and Dad's and Brian pulled halfway down our driveway, then stopped to yell at me about whether I was coming right home. I couldn't hear him so he squealed his tires all the way up the drive to come to where I could hear him. We went home and it was 83* in the house. He didn't turn the a/c on before he left because *he* thought it wasn't all that hot. It was nearly 90* outside yesterday and we have no shade around our house. I hate being hot so it made me extremely irritated.

Then we started in fighting with Keith to do a time out b/c he pushed Caleb. That's always good for some arguing between Brian and me. Then I noticed that the clothes still hung out on the clothesline. Oh except for Caleb's sneakers. Brian got those off the clothesline but left all the other DRY clothes behind. And the sink was FULL of dirty dishes. I should clarify that Brian didn't have to work yesterday and I did.

Now, I don't expect a whole lot, I really don't. But if you're home most of the day and there are things that need done, DO THEM! Well, apparantly, since he ran the vaccum, cleaned the litter box and did laundry on Saturday morning so the house was clean for people to use for the wedding (which they never did! GRRR) while I was "off playing with the girls, getting my hair done", that was good enough.........forever apparantly.

So I don't know what's happening to my marriage but its not so nice right now.

same old, same old

2007-10-08T12:20:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't blogged in a while. There really isn't much to say. Work is work, school is still going great for Keith, he's seeing a therapist, we're still struggling but we'll make it, I guess.

My sister got married this past weekend. Keith and I were both in the wedding.

That's it, I guess. *shrug*

School days again!

2007-09-14T12:58:00.000-04:00

School started on September 4th. Keith was very very excited and was so happy to be back to school! Go figure! LOL

I hadn't heard a word yet from his teacher so I assumed things were going fine but that little nagging voice inside wouldn't shut up.

I emailed the teacher yesterday and this is what she had to say....

Keith is doing fine. He is a very nice boy and has a lot of good things to contribute to discussions-especially if we are talking about snakes!!!

YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! After all of the negative emails I got last year, it was such a relief to get this!

You said what?!

2007-08-30T07:28:00.000-04:00

My mother and I are very close. We get along very well. In fact, we live pretty much next door to my parents. The boys spend alot of time with them and Keith LOVES to do things with Papa.

It's rare when Mom and I have words so when we do it really bothers me.

Mom and Dad watched the boys while Brian and I met with Keith's new therapist last night. I called Mom when we got done and she said that Keith was not having a good night and had been having a bad tantrum. After we got home and Mom went home herself, I was talking to her on the phone. She told me that if Keith told me she has said some mean things, she had. Ummm okay. She said she told him that he was not allowed to come to their house again if he couldn't learn to control himself.

I was totally horrified! How awful to tell a child that has problems like Keith that he can't come back to his grandparents house until he can control his tantrums. And I told her so. I told her that was the most ignorant, awful thing she could have ever said to the poor kid, who has control problems. To which she told me she thinks he can control his tantrums, he just choses not to. What the fuck?!

I chose to end the conversation before I totally lost my temper.

I'm very disappointed in the way she handled Keith last night.

In other news, we really liked the therapist! Keith's first appointment is on Sept. 17th. "Dr. John" said that he wants to do Developmental Play Therapy with Keith. Keith will love that! LOL

Round 2

2007-08-23T10:16:00.000-04:00

After increasing Keith's dose of Strattera, every little thing made him totally uncontrollable and hysterical. I picked up a prescription for Adderall yesterday. Hope this one is better.

oh so hard

2007-08-21T09:36:00.000-04:00

I wish I could say things were much better with Keith. I wish that so much. They're not. We're still trying to find the right medicine/dosage. I've set up an appointment with a therapist. I'm doing my best but oh God, this is so hard.

Happy Birthday, Ryan

2007-08-09T07:32:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking of Sherry and Mike today on Ryan's 2nd birthday.

What a long week!

2007-08-02T14:16:00.000-04:00

Oh my goodness, its been quite a week.

After Brian's ER visit, I managed to get him seen by the urologist yesterday instead of today. They do not think that they can break the kidney stone up enough that it can pass on its own. Surgery is tomorrow! Yikes! He'll have to stay overnight but he recovery time is very short and he should be back to work on Monday.

I had an appointment yesterday with the OBGYN to discuss have a tubal ligation. We are done having children. We are so blessed to have the two beautiful boys we have. This decision bittersweet for me. I'm choosing to end my childbearing while so many others are struggling to begin their families or expand their families. The OB gave me two options. The traditional tubal ligation, which means surgery, etc. Or a newer procedure called Essure . This is non-invasive and is done right in the doctors office. This is what I've decided to do so hopefully it will be done next month.

So far so good

2007-07-31T09:01:00.000-04:00

Keith hasn't had any adverse effects from the Strattera. The first couple of days it made him pretty sleepy and upset his stomach slightly but that has stopped. It has seem to calm him down a bit. The only problem is in the evenings when it wears off you can't stand to be around him because he's SO wired and difficult. That may warrant some discussion with the doctor as to what to do about that.

In other news, I'm SO upset and saddened by Kristin's latest blog posts but I'm going to hold onto that tiny glimmer of hope for as long as I can.

Also, I spent the day in the Emergency Room with Brian yesterday. He started having stomach and back pain on Sunday afternoon and it got much worse yesterday. It seems he has a rather large kidney stone. He sees the urologist on Thursday and we're hoping to get it taken care of ASAP!

Strattera, Day One

2007-07-24T07:23:00.000-04:00

After much discussion and much soul searching, Brian and I have decided to try Keith on some medication.

His hyperactivity is bad. He simply cannot sit still or stand still or lay still. He is in constant motion. Which interfers horribly with his ability to listen. He can't focus on what you're saying because he has to move.

So today is day one of him taking Strattera . I hope we'll hit it lucky and we'll get great results from this. If not, we'll try something else.

He understands what this medicine is for and he seems very willing to take it. I hope that continues!

Congratulations!

2007-07-19T08:07:00.000-04:00

Check this announcement out on Certainly Not Cool Enough to Blog !

I am sooooooooo excited for Kristin and her Beloved! Congratulations to them both!

Happy Birthday, Keith!

2007-07-11T11:36:00.000-04:00

6 years ago at this time, I was in early labor! Hard to believe that much time has passed.

Keith's birthday party was last Sunday. Here's some pics for your viewing pleasure!

I was so proud of myself.........I decorated the cake myself!

6

2007-07-05T08:22:00.000-04:00

Hard to believe its been almost 6 months since I quit smoking! Yay me! ;-)

Now if I could just get rid of this 15 pounds I gained when I quit, I'd be happier. Why is it so easy to put on and so hard to get off?!

I get really discouraged because I'm not seeing any results. I've been walking several times a week and really trying to watch what I eat...............and nothing. I yo-yo up and down 1 pound.

We have a new babysitter. Actually it's the same babysitter from last summer. She's a flake and tends to be a bit unreliable but the boys like her and her son doesn't hit mine so we'll manage for now.

Keith's 6th birthday is coming up. Where have those 6 years gone? We still struggle with him daily. He's got an attitude that I can't get out of him and he just won't listen. I don't know how much of it is normal behavior or if it isn't at all. I don't have another 6 year old to compare him to! At this point, we're just plugging along. My plan of action is to wait until school starts again and see what his 1st grade teacher has to say about his behaviour and activity level and go from there. I'm hoping for miracles to happen with him over the summer. Keep your fingers crossed.

still struggling

2007-06-21T13:25:00.000-04:00

Things are not good with our babysitter and we are actively searching for a new one. We're not having any luck though.

I'm still struggling with my feelings on wanting to be home. I pray each day for something to work so that I can. I think there are probably ways that it could work but I don't know if they would be the right thing to do. It doesn't seem that its morally correct to accept public assistance just to be home with my kids but what's more important than my kids health and well-being? I'd gladly sell my organs right now if I could make sure they are well cared for during the day.

It's not just the babysitter issues. I've been at my current job for just over 6 years. The girl immediately before me was here for 5 years. The one before her was here for over 40 years and it showed. The woman was a tyrant. See, I do the accounts receivable at my company. This means I am the one that deals with all the people complaining about their bills, all the people trying to get out of paying their bills, etc. Of course, I also send out the bills and other stuff but the complaining/collections part of my job really really really sucks. And that is a big portion of my job.

When my alarm goes off in the morning, I get up pissed off because I have to go to work.

It's sucked something out of me. I see the worst in everyone immediately. I don't have sympathy for people anymore. I go through the motions and words of expressing empathy and sympathy but its not there.

I don't like the person I've become.

Mommy guilt

2007-05-17T14:08:00.000-04:00

We all have it, don't we? Every single mommy feels guilty at some point, right?

I've been feeling increasingly guilty lately.

Keith is again having problems at school. He's hit another child with his hat, with clay and now has pinched a classmate. He is no longer allowed to wear hats to school because he has been throwing them on the bus. He's been difficult at home too. He's seeing the counselor at school and I'm searching for one to continue some therapy during the summer. Something directed at HIM not our parenting styles or discipline. Granted, I'm not a perfect parent and I'm sure I do things wrong but Keith is the one that needs help learning to control his anger and impulses.

The new babysitter for Caleb is ehhh. She's complained the last couple of days that Caleb is not listening well. And she actually hinted around today that I should give her permission to spank him. I explained to her that he's 2, he's testing her and under no circumstances is she to spank MY child. *sigh*

It hit me last night when I was talking to a friend of mine. Both of her kids are in school and she works but she doesn't have to be to work until later in the morning. She mentioned that she worked with her daughter on some school stuff before it was time for her to go to school. I don't have time to do that. I have to be to work at 7am, which is before the bus picks Keith up. Thank heavens for my dad, who watches Keith for an hour before the bus comes. I get up, get ready for work, get Keith ready for school, get Caleb ready for the sitter and come to work. After work, I pick Caleb up, get Keith off the bus, cook dinner, clean up, try to do things around the house and by the time I get a moment to play with the kids its time for them to go to bed because they have to get up early every morning. Times this by 5 and there's the week. Weekends are spent catching up from the week.

Here comes the guilt. I feel like I'm cheating my kids. I wonder if things would be better with Keith if I'd been home with him instead of working and having him in daycare. I've missed so much of their lives already. Hours and hours every day I miss. I don't feel like I'm being the best mother I can be.

This never used to bother me. I'm not sure why it is now. I don't know why I'm yearning to be home. But it should be. Mothers should be able to raise their children. It's the right thing.

Why can't it be that way? What's wrong with society that women have to spend money to have other people raise their children because they have to work? That's so wrong.

I left my baby with a stranger!

2007-05-02T07:26:00.000-04:00

Okay, its really not as bad as it sounds. I know the woman, but Caleb doesn't! I'm talking about the new babysitter. Today is Caleb's first day at her house. Fingers crossed that it goes okay.

The drop off this morning went okay. Brian has always been the one to drop him off at daycare so this is new for both of us. He was pretty reluctant and upset when we first went in but I got some pudding out of his bag and he waved bye bye to me so he could go eat his pudding.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

Right?

Back to work!

2007-04-30T12:49:00.000-04:00

Hooray! Today is Brian's first day at his new job! I'm totally thrilled. :-)

It was a bit hectic this morning getting everyone ready. It's been a while since we've ALL had to get ready to leave the house! But we managed and we were even all on time to our respective places.

I can't wait to hear how his first day went.

We're meeting with a new babysitter tonight. We needed to find someone close to home since our daycare is in the opposite direction than Brian and I both are working now. It saddens me b/c we've used this same daycare since Keith was around 1 and a half. I really hope this new sitter works out. Not sure what we'll do if she doesn't!

Three things.......

2007-04-26T10:32:00.000-04:00

I was tagged by Nicole to do this. Thanks, Nic, you really made me think about some of these!

Three things that scare me:
fire
finances-not having enough money to provide for my family
death

Three people who make me laugh:
Keith
Caleb
My dad

Three things I love:
my kids (of course!)
reading
my husband (good thing these are in no particular order!)

Three things I hate:
SPIDERS! *shudder*
hypocritical people
my weight

Three things I don’t understand:
math (seriously, more than very simple math is totally beyond me)
how some people have no common sense
how all my money disappears so quickly

Three things on my desk:
bills
Keith’s schoolwork from the last couple of days
camera

Three things I’m doing right now:
typing this list ;-)
listening to the radio
procrastinating finishing my morning work

Three things I want do to before I die:
Travel overseas
get a tummy tuck
feel that I’ve raised my boys to be good people

Three things I can do:
crochet (okay, not very well)
cross-stich
read really fast

Three things I can’t do:
make gravy
sew
draw a straight line

Three things I think you should listen to:
rain
a baby laugh
silence

Three things you should never listen to:
anyone that doesn’t have your best interests at heart
whining
?? I’m stumped

Three things I’d like to learn:
Spanish
ballroom dancing
to crochet better

Three favorite foods:
dark chocolate
lasagna
pizza

Three shows I watched as a kid:
Sesame Street
Mr. Rogers
Full House

Three things I regret:
tying myself down to a boyfriend all through high school and not spending more time with my friends.
not becoming a veterinarian
taking time for granted

I tag Nina.

And the years go by....

2007-04-17T13:45:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe that three years ago today my grandpa lost his fight with lung cancer. It was a blessing when he finally passed on. The last month or so was so hard on him and all of the family. But the couple of months before that were priceless gifts. He was pretty much bedridden but we all spent countless hours by his bed holding his hand and talking. Sadly enough, I was much closer to my grandfather when he was dying than the years before.

Also, amazingly enough my baby boy will be TWO tomorrow. When I got pregnant and realized my due date was mid-April, I knew that baby had been with Grandpa. I went into labor one year to the day that Grandpa died but Caleb (following his great-grandpa's stubborness!) held off until the next morning. His middle name is Dale, in honor of my grandpa. And darned if that boy doesn't remind us very often of Grandpa! LOL!

We had Caleb's birthday party this past weekend. Here are some highlights.

Spring is here!

2007-03-26T09:51:00.000-04:00

I am so excited that warmer weather has finally arrived!!

It really lifts my spirits when you don't need to bundle everyone up to go outside for 10 minutes! Keith and I went for a nice walk on Saturday and on Sunday he played outside in the dirt and stones for a couple of hours.

I LOVE SPRING! :-)

better days

2007-03-15T07:54:00.000-04:00

I had an appointment last Friday with my doctor. The way I was feeling was getting out of hand. God love this woman, she's wonderful. She came into the exam room, handed me a box of tissues and said "talk to me." We had a long talk and she gave me a Rx for an anti-depressant and told me to take some time for myself! (when? I ask. LOL) So I'm looking forward to better days. I'm still broke and Brian still doesn't have a job but we'll manage somehow.

The boys are doing great. Keith is learning about time in school. He is fascinated! We had bought him a watch a long time ago but he didn't care anything about it until now. So we found it and he's been wearing it all week, even to bed. LOL! Last night, he wanted to know what time he has to get up in the mornings so he knew by looking at his watch that it was time to get up. I told him we'd get an alarm clock for him sometime and then we remembered we had an old one in the closet so we dug that out and put in his room with the alarm set to wake him up. He thought that was the coolest thing! And this morning, it went off, he turned it off and came right out and got ready for school. He's been doing REALLY well again getting ready in the mornings. There were a couple of mornings it was a fight again and I was really worried that it would continue but it hasn't.

Caleb is talking so much now. And talk about funny.....that kid cracks me up. But man, has he got an attitude! He still goes to daycare two days a week, at least for now. I hope we can keep him there those two days even if Brian doesn't find work right away. Caleb gets to watch WAY too much TV on the three days he's home with Daddy.

Now if I could just get Brian and Keith to get along. Oh my God, those two drive me nuts. They fight and bicker over EVERYTHING! I keep telling Brian that he's the adult and needs to start acting it but apparantly he's not listening. He is on Keith's ass for something all the time. I hope they both mellow as Keith gets older or they aren't going to have a very good relationship, I'm afraid.

the good, the bad and the ugly

2007-03-07T07:20:00.000-05:00

The good:

I have a home
I have a job
I have two healthy children
I am relatively healthy
I have a decent husband
My parents are both alive and well
I have a few friends

The bad:

As of Sunday, my husband no longer has a job
My oldest child is a major challenge
The exhaust is falling off my car
The 4 wheel drive in my car is not working properly
I'm broke..........again.
Keith has been invited to classmates birthday parties and he can't go because I can't afford to buy gifts and it makes me feel like a HORRIBLE mother.

The ugly:

My face is broke out like a 13 year olds
I have gained 10-12 pounds and feel like a fat fucking cow
I feel like a lunatic most days.

gee, wasn't that fun

2007-02-26T12:26:00.000-05:00

*sigh* what a weekend.

Friday afternoon the school called me to come pick Keith up. He was crying b/c his ear hurt. Greaaaaaat! I managed to get him a doctor's appointment that afternoon. Mind you, the child had not complained about his ears hurting at all before Friday at school. Before we got to his appointment, his eardrum had burst from all the pressure so he was feeling alot better. He's got drops we have to put in his ear and he's got to go back in two weeks to make sure it healed good.

We checked with my MIL, who was supposed to watch the kids this weekend to make sure she didn't mind a sick one. Not a problem for her so we dropped the kids off and took off for our "reconnect" weekend.

We didn't do much Friday night just relaxed, had dinner. Saturday morning all hell broke loose. As I was stepping out of the shower, Brian was just coming back into the motel room, REEKING of cigarette smoke. I said something about it and he says, "yeah, I bought a pack". When I asked why he would do that after not having smoked for nearly 6 weeks, he tells me that he's been smoking for over a week.

What the fuck?! I flipped. Him smoking again is one thing but sneaking around, deceiving me? Oh, that is a whole 'nother bucket of worms! I was furious and I'm still pretty darn pissed off about it. We "discussed" it a bit right then and then we went about our shopping. It was a very uncomfortable, quiet day. Later on that afternoon, we got into it again. He thinks I'm over-reacting.

I don't think so at all. Its not a nice feeling to find out that the man I married is sneaky and deceitful. I'm really having a hard time with that. The smoking is NOTHING at this point.

So it was an awful weekend and then I get home and Caleb is now sick also.

Just gimme a freakin' break already!!

what's new with us.

2007-02-19T11:36:00.000-05:00

Keith got his cast off today! We've been counting down the days, let me tell you. We had our mid year conference with his teacher on Friday. I was so nervous! It went really well. She said he had made a lot of improvement since the beginning of the year, academically and socially. He is still pretty hyper but that's Keith....he is hyper. Whaddya gonna do, ya know? Yeah, maybe he could be ADHD, but its not severe and he can sit and concentrate on what he needs to do, he just has to wiggle around to do it. LOL! But she said she thought he would be more than ready for 1st grade which was a load off of my mind.

What's new with Caleb? Caleb, Caleb, Caleb.......well he won't sleep through the night. For the last month or more, he's been getting up 2, 3, 4, sometimes 5 times a night. I *think* its seperation anxiety. I don't know why he wakes up but once he does, he gets scared b/c he's alone. I think. I even took him to the doctor to make sure there was nothing wrong with him. It's getting very very old, this getting up during the night. Thankfully, since Brian isn't working, he's been doing the majority of it, but I still am awake when Caleb starts to scream. *sigh*

This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass.

Brian and I are going away this weekend, just the two of us. We need it desperately. I've begun noticing that I've been distancing myself from him. It's been a rough few months and I tend to isolate myself when I'm having problems. We need time to reconnect. I can't wait!

Why?

2007-02-09T07:08:00.000-05:00

I can't apologize for my feelings. They are honest feelings and I can't change them. I am so very lucky to have carried in my body and given birth to two healthy children, I know that. Too many women haven't been able to have what I do.

But every day lately I question why God has decided that I should be the one to shape and raise these two stubborn, strong willed boys. On top of that, I wonder why he tests my strength and sanity at every other turn in everything else I do.

Keith has gotten better than he used to be, don't get me wrong. But every day is still a struggle. Every.fucking.day. I get so tired of it. And you know the old adage "learn by example". Yeah, that's what Caleb is doing. I've tried explaining to Keith that he's the big brother. The way he acts helps to shape the way Caleb acts. That apparantly has done no good. Why why why why why can't he just LISTEN? Just one day I would love for him to do what I ask. Even half a day. I want a day where I don't have to get after him for something.

And my husband. Lord knows I love him but he drives me crazy too. In the 6 or 7 years we've been together, he's had 6 or 7 different jobs. Apparantly he can't find one that suits him. Well, ya know what, I don't always like my fucking job either but hey, guess what I'm an adult. That means being responsible and doing things I don't like doing. So grow up and take some responsibility for yourself.

And clean the fucking litter box please. I'm getting sick of smelling it. It will really piss me off if I have to clean it.

sickness, broken bones and more bad luck!

2007-01-30T08:34:00.000-05:00

You know that old saying, if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all? Yup, that's me! Seriously.

Brian was laid off from his job the beginning of January. No big deal, we thought, he'll sign up for unemployment. He did and was denied because he didn't earn enough wages in the right time period......whatever. So we are surviving on my income which just doesn't cut it. Saturday, the 20th, Keith spent the night with my MIL. Sunday morning around 10, Brian called her to see what time we should pick him up and we were informed that he had fallen off the couch Saturday night and was STILL complaining that his wrist hurt. After calling my mom to come watch Caleb, we picked Keith up and took him to the Emergency Room. After waiting and waiting and waiting and getting X-rays, the doctor says "Yup, he broke it." Thank God its his left wrist is all I gotta say! They splinted it and put him in a sling until Monday when we saw an orthopedist who casted it. I was FURIOUS with my MIL for not calling me. Brian didn't really see why. What the fuck?!

Monday night, Keith started running a bit of a fever but was okay then next morning so I sent him to school. When he got home that afternoon, he was running a hellish fever and was still Wednesday morning. He did not complain that he didn't feel good, just that he had a headache. So I kept him home and took him to the doctor. He had SEVERE tonsilitis and was not allowed back to school until this Monday.

Man, what a unlucky time we've had of it. I've got my fingers crossed that it gets MUCH better soon!

Day 2

2007-01-17T08:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, ended up being our quit day.

All is going great, actually! I feel good, no horrible cravings. :-)

Seriously I think anyone wanting to quit smoking should look into Chantix. It really really does eliminate the cravings. The only problem is breaking the actual habit of lifting that ciggie to your mouth.

Time flies

2007-01-11T10:00:00.000-05:00

Has it really so long since I blogged? Wow, time sure does fly when you work and have kids and tons of other things going on.

Let's see......what's happened in those three months....

Caleb got tubes in his ears and his adenoids removed on Dec. 9th. The surgery went well and he just had his checkup on Tuesday. Everything is looking good. He has had a cold since the end of Dec and his one ear is draining alot. At least the tubes are doing their job that way!

Keith is doing great in school. He still loves it! :-)

Christmas was good, the kids got way too many toys, of course.

I guess the biggest news of the new year is Brian and I are going to quit smoking. We've started taking Chantix, a new drug that blocks the receptors in the brain that respond to nicotine. We're on Day 5, with our quit date slated to be Monday, Jan. 15th.

I am going to make an effort to blog more often, I promise!

another rite of passage

2006-10-27T08:32:00.000-04:00

I've become the Tooth Fairy.

My little boy is growing up so fast. I get wistful for his baby days when he gets home from school and he shows me the new thing he learned that day.

Where did the last 5 years go?

A trip down memory lane

2006-10-20T13:55:00.000-04:00

Its hard to believe I have a son wandering the same elementary school hallways that I did, with the same kindergarten teacher. There have been some changes to the building and some changes in teachers. But it seemed to fade back into the school that I remember last night.

We went to Open House at the school last night. We had to sit thru a short Parent Teacher Organization meeting then browsed through the books at the Book Fair and got to see Keith's classroom, the library, gym, cafeteria, art room, music room, you name it, Keith showed it to us. He was SO excited. It makes me so happy that he loves school.

Today was Grandparents Day and the kids are allowed to go home with their grandparents after recess if they want. Mom said that Keith had such a hard time deciding what to do because he would miss his friends if he went home. :-)

It was a relief to see that Keith has made a lot of friends. I think that's something that all parents worry about. Its so important that their first year of school leaves them with positive memories. I've got my fingers crossed that it continues to be this great!

bitching and moaning

2006-10-19T08:44:00.000-04:00

Seems like all I write about are complaints. Well, it is therapy of a sort!

Another rough morning at my house. Keith balked about getting dressed and outright refused to brush his teeth so into Time Out he went. Then begins the screaming, yelling and whining from him that I have to ignore. Do you know how hard that is? I want to scream at him to SHUT UP! It makes me what to rip my hair out. I get so freaking pissed off that he won't do what he's supposed to. How hard is it?? Let me brush your teeth!! Get dressed!! Why is that so hard? Why why why why why?

What I wouldn't give for an easy morning where everyone gets up and gets dressed and ready to face the day with no complaining or problems.

See? Its always the same with me..........bitch, bitch, bitch about the same thing. You'd think pretty soon I'd suck it up, right? And quit complaining. Yeah, sure, then I'll explode.

I was looking forward to next month. Brian was supposed to go to a two day conference with his bosses and the wives always go along to do shopping and such. I was really excited........a couple of days away, retail therapy, maybe the chance to meet up with a couple of friends.......

*POP*

That was the sound of my bubble bursting. The bosses decided that this conference wouldn't benefit Brian a whole lot so they'd like him to stay home and cover service calls. Thanks guys.

It's been awhile

2006-10-11T09:01:00.000-04:00

Things are well, hectic in my life. I seem to be running somewhere all the time.

Keith has good days and bad days. He still LOVES school (Thank God!). They had vision screenings a while ago and he was referred to an optometrist. We went and he's pretty farsighted in his right eye. So now he has glasses, which hasn't been too bad. He doesn't really mind them.

Caleb.......oh boy. What a pisser. He is on the go all. the. time. And into something all the time. He loves to play with Keith but he can't always do what Keith is doing and Keith gets frustrated because Caleb won't leave him alone. *sigh* It seems all I say is "Caleb, NO!" The past 4 or 5 days, Caleb has decided to either get up early in the morning or during the night. This morning he was up at 2:20 am. I did get him to go back to sleep with me on the couch around 4 am. This makes for a very tired Mommy on top of this awful cold I've had for a month.

Brian has not been a whole lot of help lately. I don't know what caused the change. He used to do dishes sometimes, he used to do laundry, he used to vaccuum. Nothing now. He gets home from work, eats dinner and watches TV. Right now, I have a FULL sink of dirty dishes. I'm just waiting for him to say something about them. Cause I'm waiting for him to do them.

So far this week, he has not been home before 7 pm. On Monday, it was 7 when he got home. He had stopped at the bowling alley to pick out a new bowling ball that his mother is buying him. I, on the other hand, took Keith to the eye doctor as soon as he got home from school. Which is an hour trip, one way. So I got back around 6:45 and had to find dinner for Keith and I before I had to be at the fire hall at 7:15.

Last night, the boys and Brian had hair cut appointments at 5 pm. So as soon as Keith got off the bus, we took off. Brian met us there. After they got their haircuts, Brian had to go get his new bowling ball drilled. I took the boys home, got dinner, played, got them both in bed. Brian got home at 8:30 pm. Tonight he bowls.

*sigh* I feel like a complete lunatic most days. I have no patience, I'm exhausted, I really feel like I'm losing my mind.

World War III

2006-09-14T09:54:00.000-04:00

Yup, its at my house.

So, the therapist was in total agreement about no meds and we now have a new Time Out system. Its hard. Keith, of course, hates it.

Dr. P assured me that it would get much worse before it gets better but he felt that this is not a serious problem and he doesn't think it will take very long for Keith to relearn what behavior is proper. He expects to see results quickly.

I hope so, I really really do.

Life just isn't fair, is it?

2006-09-12T08:36:00.000-04:00

Caleb has had a cold for a week or so now and Sunday night I knew it was time to take him to the doctor and have his ears checked. Sure enough, he's just starting ear infections. This is only the second one he's had so I'm pretty happy with that considering by this age Keith had tubes.

Anyway, I was home with Caleb yesterday to take him to the doctor and while I could have done without all of the whining of a sick baby, I miss it today while I sit here at work.

I want to stay home with all my heart. I hate having days off because it just drives that fact home all the more. I. want. to. be. a. stay. at. home. mommy. I want to be able to be there when Keith leaves for school in addition to being there when he gets home. I want to be able to snuggle with my little man whenever I feel like it. I don't want to feel so freaking frazzled at night after I get home from work, trying to get dinner cooked and served, get the kids bathed and into bed, get lunches ready, etc. and have no time to spend playing with my kids.

We could afford for me to stay home......if we sold the house and my car. But it will never happen because my job provides our health insurance free of charge for the entire family. Lucky me, huh?

no magic pills for us, please

2006-09-06T15:03:00.000-04:00

In my last post, I did wish for a magic pill to help Keith's behavior. I haven't written about his appointment because I needed some time to step back and think about where to go from here.

The appointment itself was pretty good. The doctor was very nice and spent a lot of time going over family and medical history with me then spent a while examining Keith. He ordered bloodwork which we had done after the appointment and he also gave us two prescriptions. I did take the 'scripts to the pharmacy on the way home and they weren't able to fill one of them because the dosage the doctor indicated does not exist!

I called the doctors office several times the next day and left messages regarding this problem and when someone did finally call me back on Friday, it was not a pretty conversation. I was VERY irritated that they took so long to get back to me and that I was unable to get in touch with someone. *sigh*

Anyway, Brian and I had a long talk and I did a bunch of research on the 'Net and it is our personal belief that medication should be the LAST step not the first.

Keith has an appointment next week with a therapist. We're going to try that route and see what happens there for now. Everything I've read supports this route. My family, I don't think, are going to see eye to eye on this with me but this is MY kid.

And I will try to do my best for him....whatever that may be.

school days

2006-08-30T10:35:00.000-04:00

School started on Monday. According to Keith, he has had a wonderful time. He's colored, played with clay, sang songs and had lots of fun. I was so happy! What a breakthrough for us, I thought.

Mrs. A. sent a note home yesterday. It wasn't anything too bad like major tantrums or hitting/kicking just that he refused to finish coloring an assigned page for a while on the first day. And again yesterday. He sat and stared at his paper during inside recess while all of the kids played around him, like it didn't matter. Then he got upset when Mrs. A took the paper from him.

We have an appointment with a pediatrician regarding Keith's behaviour this afternoon. I just want some answers and some solutions. God help me, I wish there was a magic pill to give him and make him better.

I hope he's being good at school today because all he did this morning at home was fight about everything. I knew the first two mornings were too good to be true.

I'm so tired.

orientation and daycare

2006-08-25T11:38:00.001-04:00

Today is the LAST day I have to deal with whacko babysitter! Yay! Gonna have a party, gonna have a party! Caleb starts daycare on Tuesday and Keith starts school on Monday. Yikes!

Kindergarten orientation was yesterday. We got to see Keith's classroom, meet his teacher, take a bus ride, find his locker, etc. It was fun! Keith was actually very well behaved. He had trouble being quiet when Mrs. A was talking but thankfully he wasn't the only one! LOL

He seems slightly excited. Its really hard to tell with him. *sigh*

His behavioural eval is on Wed. He's been pretty good the past week. Its when he's been good for a few days that I second guess myself. He really can't be that bad, can he? Bu when its bad, its hellish so I have to keep that in mind. I owe it to all of us to make sure there is nothing wrong.

I'm going to spend Sunday snuggling with my first baby. I don't think I'm ready for this. All the new responsiblities......lunch, library books.....oh man!

Too sentimental??

2006-08-11T12:16:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about my house for a while now. I'm not in love with my house. Its not quite big enough for us. We have 3 bedrooms and 2 baths plus the normal living room, kitchen and one other room that I have no clue what to call. Family room, I guess. None of these rooms are supersized and we have no basement or attic.......no garage only a teeny shed for outdoor storage. Oh and we have the enclosed porch that is STILL under contruction. The outside is finished but not the inside.

So anyway, I've thought before about selling it and finding something a bit bigger or at the least something with a smaller payment. We didn't spend a fortune on this house but the payments are alot for us.

The problem, you ask? The 2.5 acres that we (and the bank, of course!) own are part of the original farm that my grandparents had. I remember as a child sled riding in the field where my house is now. This is HOME! My parents and grandmother live on what's left of the farm acreage so its not as if I let my part go, it would be out of the family.

I wonder sometimes if my sentimentality is endangering my family's financial security.

In memory of Ryan

2006-08-01T14:21:00.000-04:00

Almost a year ago, a wonderful friend gave birth to and lost her beautiful son within a couple of days. I'll be thinking of her and her husband and grieving with them these next couple of weeks.

School starts Aug 28th!

2006-07-17T12:37:00.000-04:00

But wait, that's only 41 days away........that's way too soon!

Seriously, I'm gonna have a freakin' panic attack here. I am not prepared for my first baby to go to school. He can't be 5 already. Where did all this time go?

I'm going to be a total mess on the first day............okay the first week ...............or two.

I've officially reached my wits end

2006-07-03T09:11:00.000-04:00

I am so tired........tired of fighting with Keith....over everything. It doesn't matter what it is. If you tell him the sky is blue, he'll argue with you about it.

The tantrums and screaming at the top of his lungs, I can't handle it anymore. I just want to sit down and cry. No one understands what its like to live with this child. They smirk and laugh when I complain. I don't know what to do with him. Mornings........gotta fight and struggle with him to get up, eat, and get dressed. Afternoons........gotta fight with him to do ANYTHING you want him to do. Night.........gotta fight with him to eat, play NICE with Caleb (this is a new thing...........he will grab Caleb's leg as Caleb is walking by and trip him, Keith will try dragging him around by the arm and he'll push him over.), gotta fight with Keith to get jammies on, go potty, brush teeth and get in bed. EVERY FUCKING DAY! This is my life. I struggle with an almost 5 year old constantly.

What's he going to be like in school? I've been struggling with this lately because I wonder if I should hold him out until next year. The bottom line is I'm going to send him because I don't know what else to do with him.

What kind of fucking mother am I?

Wedding Pics!

2006-06-29T08:05:00.000-04:00

Okay, okay, here they are! LOL

The Wedding!

2006-06-28T09:23:00.000-04:00

Well, in response to a recent demand (Erin!), I'm finally taking time to write about the wedding last Saturday.

We had to be there at 12:30 so they could take some pictures beforehand. Soooo, we managed to get Caleb's morning nap in but no time for lunch. We were all STARVING before the wedding started. LOL Plus Keith's fighting a cold so he was really mean Saturday morning. I figured it was going to be a horrible day.

Anyway, when we got there amd started to get Keith dressed, his pants were still WAY too short. I mean, it looked like the seamstress had hemmed them more instead of letting them out. One of the bridesmaids and I tore the hem out and the mother of the bride tacked them hem up where it needed to be. There were some other clothing emergencies so they didn't start taking pictures until 1:30. The wedding started at 2:30 so about 2:15, I surrendered Keith to the bride.

What a little man he looked like! Oh my god, where did my little boy go? He did great walking down the aisle. I was really worried that when he saw all those people he wouldn't do it. But he didn't have any problem at all.

A few minutes into the ceremony I hear this little voice......."Mom?" uh oh, here we go. I asked him what he needed and he says "I have to pee!" LMAO. I asked him to wait a couple of minutes. A minute later I hear "mom, I really have to pee!" Brian took him out to pee and he stood there perfectly the rest of the wedding. After the wedding, they took a long time doing pictures so he got grumpy waiting.

Caleb was a little fussy during the ceremony but both of the boys were exceptional the rest of the day! I could not have asked for better children. Caleb never took another nap and we did not get home until after 9pm. No one could believe how good he was being with no nap. :-) He did sleep in Sunday morning....until 11:45 am! I would have been worried if I hadn't been able to hear him move around once in a while. LOL

All that worrying for nothing! Whew!

A couple of things on my mind

2006-06-23T11:52:00.000-04:00

Keith is going to be a ringbearer in Brian's cousin's wedding tomorrow. Guess what, I AM TOTALLY FREAKING! I am going to be a basketcase tomorrow. I'm soooo concerned that he's going to misbehave. We went to rehearsal last night and he was up and down on the stage and stairs (the wedding is in a movie theater) sitting, standing, BURPING!!!!, fidgeting, whining, etc.

Please please please, God, I'm begging you, let it go smoothly.

The second thing that's bugging me........
One of my dear friends on a message board I'm addicted to was recently telling us about her job. And you can tell by the tone of her posts that she LOVES her job. I want that. I want to be totally in love with my job.

Do I like my job? ehh, its a job. It pays decent and has great health insurance. What do I want to do? I want to work with animals. That has always always been my dream. Where am I going to be in 40 years? Sitting in the same office. Yup, I'll probably die at the keyboard.

I feel so restless..........unfulfilled........I'm not sure how to describe it. So what am I gonna do about it? Well, I'm going to fill out an application to volunteer at the local animal shelter. Gotta start somewhere right?

busy busy

2006-06-19T12:50:00.000-04:00

We had a pretty busy weekend. Now I need two days off so I can actually have a weekend. LOL

Friday night I dropped the boys off at my MIL's for the night so Brian and I could go grocery shopping. hmmm, I wonder if most people take their kids with them grocery shopping? Well, anyway, we don't normally because we live an hour from Wal-mart and the grocery store so by the time you hit both of those places and get home it takes 5 or 6 hours. Uh uh, just not gonna make those kids suffer that long, sitting in carts. So, they stayed at my MIL's Friday night. We didn't get home from grocery shopping until 12:20 am. Ugh.

Saturday morning bright and early we got up to gather up unwanted junk we had around the house to take to the dumpster that the township brings in once a year. 3 pick up loads later, we were done with that project! Really, it wasn't all our junk tho, some was Mom and Dad's. Seriously, it was! We also picked up a lawn mower that Brian is trying to get running. Its just like his old one so he'll be able to use it for parts if nothing else. I took a half hour nap, got a shower, ran to pick the boys up and went to my best friend, J's little girl E's 6th birthday party.

Wow, talk about hot. There wasn't much shade either. Whew! Caleb started getting cranky after about an hour and a half so he and I went home for nap time. Keith ended up spending the whole night with E. Those two are SO cute! They are bestest friends, Keith tells me. :-)

Ahhh, finally some down time, after Caleb went to bed, I just relaxed. Then Sunday there was laundry and cleaning and more laundry. Yesterday afternoon we got Keith's slip and slide out for him to play with then him and my mom got in the pool for a little while. Caleb would have loved to have gotten in the pool. I dangled him down in and he loved it! Hopefully, they will get the pool totally cleared up and we can really use it.

So I'm exhausted today, its just not fair that I have to work 5 days and only get 2 off!

I do not schedule these things!

2006-06-13T14:32:00.000-04:00

So obviously, my volunteering at the fire station is a problem for my husband. I have been a member of this fire company since I was 13. Yes, it does take up some of my time. Not a lot, not even 50% of my time is spent at the hall.

However, once a month when meeting night comes around, my husband gets a little grouchy because I'm not home for a couple of hours in the evening. Deal with it! Last night was our monthly meeting and horror of all horrors, there is a class at the station tonight that I really should attend. Its not mandatory or anything but it will give me a couple of more continuing education credits towards my EMT certification. And its only 2 minutes from home as opposed to having to travel a half an hour or more to go to a class, so it really wouldn't look good if I didn't go.

Anyway, I mentioned something about it again today to Brian so I was sure he remembered and he says "I'd rather you didn't go, you were gone all evening last night"

Excuse the fuck out of me?

He has things he wants to do tonight. Therefore, I guess, as always my life is supposed to be over as soon as I leave work. Seriously, I do nothing after work. I cannot do anything outside which is probably why it usually looks like white trash live at my house. I can just hear people saying "take Caleb outside with you". I'm pretty sure these are the people that have no children because if they did, they would understand that you cannot accomplish anything while trying to keep a one year old from wandering into the road, eating grass, eating stones, eating bugs, pulling leaves off the rose bush, getting pricked by the rose bush.

So, too bad for my husband, but I am going to this class, and he'll have to get over it. I'm sorry I will be gone for two evenings but seriously I did not ask them to do this the night after the meeting.

Instead of complaining...........

2006-06-12T12:42:00.000-04:00

If I start typing out all the things that irritated me this weekend, I would be here all day. So instead here a few "good" things:

The Best Things in Life

Falling in love
Laughing so hard your face hurts
A hot shower
A special glance
Getting mail
A drive in the country
Hearing your favorite song on the radio
Lying in bed with the one you love, listening to the rain
A chocolate milkshake
A bubble bath
Finding $20 in your coat from last winter
Laughing for absolutely no reason at all
Having someone tell you that you're beautiful
Sweet dreams
Road trips with friends
Watching the sunrise
Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time

Finally!

2006-06-05T09:53:00.000-04:00

My husband has a job! Its been a long 10 months that Brian hasn't worked. Don't get me wrong, it was great for him to be home with the kids for a while. But its been way past time for him to get back to work. Its been extremely difficult surviving on just my income.

This job just fell in his lap! I've said SO many prayers since yesterday thanking God for this. I'm so grateful.

no surprise visits, please!

2006-06-02T09:15:00.000-04:00

I don't generally like it when people just "drop by" my house. Probably because its usually a mess and most of the time I'm not really presentable for company.

We had just sat down to dinner last night when the door rattles a little and in walkes.....my MIL. You've got to be freakin' kidding me! Now, we have a hard enough time getting Keith to sit down and eat dinner. He's forever getting distracted and he just doesn't want to eat and then 5 minutes later he's asking for a snack. Now just imagine the normal chaos of getting him to eat and add my MIL. WTF was she thinking?

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind that she comes to visit. (okay, well, in the very dark recesses of my mind, I do) But please please call and give me a heads up, okay? That way I can say, "oh you plan on coming at 5:30? Gee, that's dinner time, let's make it 6 or 6:30."

The other problem I have with this whole thing, KNOCKING IS POLITE! Do not just walk in my house! Yes, I realize that it does not bug me when MY mother does it. But it does really really really bug me when my MIL walks in unannounced. Actually it just pisses me right off.

The result of last nights unexpected visit? A grumpy 4 year old b/c he didn't want to eat, he wanted to play with Mimi, a grumpy husband b/c the 4 year old didn't want to eat, and a grumpy me simply b/c I just spent three days with the woman and really it was too soon for me to have to put up with a visit. Especially unannounced.

GRRRRRRR!

I survived

2006-05-30T08:38:00.000-04:00

Sigh. I made it through the weekend. Don't get me wrong, it was great to be able to go to the race. Let me start at the beginning........Saturday morning.

Caleb cried his little heart out when we left. I nearly told Brian to leave me home. Seriously, it nearly killed me. But he did get over it, as a call home before we got too far away assured me.

The trip down was relatively uneventful. Oh, except for the discovery of a nail in one of the tires. You know, sometimes a nail WILL stay in a tire for 500 miles without making it go flat. Good to know. Traffic was not bad at all. Sunday dawned hotter than blazes. And it was even hotter at the track.........all those people and all that pavement. I made it through without heatstroke. I am SO not a hot weather girl. The race was great! We had perfect seats, no obnoxious people near us, life was good. For a while.

After the race was over around 11 pm, it took us about an hour to get out of race traffic, most of which I dozed away. Then about 20 miles from our motel, traffic stopped. As in, turn your car off, get out and stretch your legs, we're gonna be here a while stopped. We sat there for 2 and a half hours waiting for an accident to be cleaned up. We got to the motel at 3 am yesterday morning. So much for getting an early start home. We slept until 7:30, got on the road around 9 am but wait, we had to get a tire put on the car. That took an hour and a half. So it was around 11:30 before we headed home.

everyone was tired and tempers were getting short by the time we got home at 10:45 last night. I was so thankful to be home. There has never been a better sight. Both boys were in bed but Caleb was up before I left for work this morning so I did get to see him.

I missed those kids so bad, it wasn't really worth the weekend away.

So here I am

2006-05-26T15:25:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm jumping on the bandwagon. That's me.......always following the crowd. LOL Here's the start of my blog.

So, I'm headed off from work for the long weekend. We are going to NC for the race this weekend with my mother in law. Yes, my mother in law, for the entire weekend. This should be fun.