Mommy guilt

We all have it, don't we? Every single mommy feels guilty at some point, right?

I've been feeling increasingly guilty lately.

Keith is again having problems at school. He's hit another child with his hat, with clay and now has pinched a classmate. He is no longer allowed to wear hats to school because he has been throwing them on the bus. He's been difficult at home too. He's seeing the counselor at school and I'm searching for one to continue some therapy during the summer. Something directed at HIM not our parenting styles or discipline. Granted, I'm not a perfect parent and I'm sure I do things wrong but Keith is the one that needs help learning to control his anger and impulses.

The new babysitter for Caleb is ehhh. She's complained the last couple of days that Caleb is not listening well. And she actually hinted around today that I should give her permission to spank him. I explained to her that he's 2, he's testing her and under no circumstances is she to spank MY child. *sigh*

It hit me last night when I was talking to a friend of mine. Both of her kids are in school and she works but she doesn't have to be to work until later in the morning. She mentioned that she worked with her daughter on some school stuff before it was time for her to go to school. I don't have time to do that. I have to be to work at 7am, which is before the bus picks Keith up. Thank heavens for my dad, who watches Keith for an hour before the bus comes. I get up, get ready for work, get Keith ready for school, get Caleb ready for the sitter and come to work. After work, I pick Caleb up, get Keith off the bus, cook dinner, clean up, try to do things around the house and by the time I get a moment to play with the kids its time for them to go to bed because they have to get up early every morning. Times this by 5 and there's the week. Weekends are spent catching up from the week.

Here comes the guilt. I feel like I'm cheating my kids. I wonder if things would be better with Keith if I'd been home with him instead of working and having him in daycare. I've missed so much of their lives already. Hours and hours every day I miss. I don't feel like I'm being the best mother I can be.

This never used to bother me. I'm not sure why it is now. I don't know why I'm yearning to be home. But it should be. Mothers should be able to raise their children. It's the right thing.

Why can't it be that way? What's wrong with society that women have to spend money to have other people raise their children because they have to work? That's so wrong.

I left my baby with a stranger!

Okay, its really not as bad as it sounds. I know the woman, but Caleb doesn't! I'm talking about the new babysitter. Today is Caleb's first day at her house. Fingers crossed that it goes okay.

The drop off this morning went okay. Brian has always been the one to drop him off at daycare so this is new for both of us. He was pretty reluctant and upset when we first went in but I got some pudding out of his bag and he waved bye bye to me so he could go eat his pudding.

I'm sure he'll be fine.


Right?

Back to work!

Hooray! Today is Brian's first day at his new job! I'm totally thrilled. :-)

It was a bit hectic this morning getting everyone ready. It's been a while since we've ALL had to get ready to leave the house! But we managed and we were even all on time to our respective places.

I can't wait to hear how his first day went.

We're meeting with a new babysitter tonight. We needed to find someone close to home since our daycare is in the opposite direction than Brian and I both are working now. It saddens me b/c we've used this same daycare since Keith was around 1 and a half. I really hope this new sitter works out. Not sure what we'll do if she doesn't!

Three things.......

I was tagged by Nicole to do this. Thanks, Nic, you really made me think about some of these!

Three things that scare me:
fire
finances-not having enough money to provide for my family
death

Three people who make me laugh:
Keith
Caleb
My dad

Three things I love:
my kids (of course!)
reading
my husband (good thing these are in no particular order!)

Three things I hate:
SPIDERS! *shudder*
hypocritical people
my weight

Three things I don’t understand:
math (seriously, more than very simple math is totally beyond me)
how some people have no common sense
how all my money disappears so quickly

Three things on my desk:
bills
Keith’s schoolwork from the last couple of days
camera

Three things I’m doing right now:
typing this list ;-)
listening to the radio
procrastinating finishing my morning work

Three things I want do to before I die:
Travel overseas
get a tummy tuck
feel that I’ve raised my boys to be good people

Three things I can do:
crochet (okay, not very well)
cross-stich
read really fast

Three things I can’t do:
make gravy
sew
draw a straight line

Three things I think you should listen to:
rain
a baby laugh
silence

Three things you should never listen to:
anyone that doesn’t have your best interests at heart
whining
?? I’m stumped

Three things I’d like to learn:
Spanish
ballroom dancing
to crochet better

Three favorite foods:
dark chocolate
lasagna
pizza

Three shows I watched as a kid:
Sesame Street
Mr. Rogers
Full House

Three things I regret:
tying myself down to a boyfriend all through high school and not spending more time with my friends.
not becoming a veterinarian
taking time for granted

I tag Nina.

And the years go by....

It's hard to believe that three years ago today my grandpa lost his fight with lung cancer. It was a blessing when he finally passed on. The last month or so was so hard on him and all of the family. But the couple of months before that were priceless gifts. He was pretty much bedridden but we all spent countless hours by his bed holding his hand and talking. Sadly enough, I was much closer to my grandfather when he was dying than the years before.

Also, amazingly enough my baby boy will be TWO tomorrow. When I got pregnant and realized my due date was mid-April, I knew that baby had been with Grandpa. I went into labor one year to the day that Grandpa died but Caleb (following his great-grandpa's stubborness!) held off until the next morning. His middle name is Dale, in honor of my grandpa. And darned if that boy doesn't remind us very often of Grandpa! LOL!

We had Caleb's birthday party this past weekend. Here are some highlights.

Spring is here!

I am so excited that warmer weather has finally arrived!!

It really lifts my spirits when you don't need to bundle everyone up to go outside for 10 minutes! Keith and I went for a nice walk on Saturday and on Sunday he played outside in the dirt and stones for a couple of hours.

I LOVE SPRING! :-)

better days

I had an appointment last Friday with my doctor. The way I was feeling was getting out of hand. God love this woman, she's wonderful. She came into the exam room, handed me a box of tissues and said "talk to me." We had a long talk and she gave me a Rx for an anti-depressant and told me to take some time for myself! (when? I ask. LOL) So I'm looking forward to better days. I'm still broke and Brian still doesn't have a job but we'll manage somehow.

The boys are doing great. Keith is learning about time in school. He is fascinated! We had bought him a watch a long time ago but he didn't care anything about it until now. So we found it and he's been wearing it all week, even to bed. LOL! Last night, he wanted to know what time he has to get up in the mornings so he knew by looking at his watch that it was time to get up. I told him we'd get an alarm clock for him sometime and then we remembered we had an old one in the closet so we dug that out and put in his room with the alarm set to wake him up. He thought that was the coolest thing! And this morning, it went off, he turned it off and came right out and got ready for school. He's been doing REALLY well again getting ready in the mornings. There were a couple of mornings it was a fight again and I was really worried that it would continue but it hasn't.

Caleb is talking so much now. And talk about funny.....that kid cracks me up. But man, has he got an attitude! He still goes to daycare two days a week, at least for now. I hope we can keep him there those two days even if Brian doesn't find work right away. Caleb gets to watch WAY too much TV on the three days he's home with Daddy.

Now if I could just get Brian and Keith to get along. Oh my God, those two drive me nuts. They fight and bicker over EVERYTHING! I keep telling Brian that he's the adult and needs to start acting it but apparantly he's not listening. He is on Keith's ass for something all the time. I hope they both mellow as Keith gets older or they aren't going to have a very good relationship, I'm afraid.

the good, the bad and the ugly

The good:

• I have a home
• I have a job
• I have two healthy children
• I am relatively healthy
• I have a decent husband
• My parents are both alive and well
• I have a few friends

The bad:

• As of Sunday, my husband no longer has a job
• My oldest child is a major challenge
• The exhaust is falling off my car
• The 4 wheel drive in my car is not working properly
• I'm broke..........again.
• Keith has been invited to classmates birthday parties and he can't go because I can't afford to buy gifts and it makes me feel like a HORRIBLE mother.

The ugly:

• My face is broke out like a 13 year olds
• I have gained 10-12 pounds and feel like a fat fucking cow
• I feel like a lunatic most days.

gee, wasn't that fun

*sigh* what a weekend.

Friday afternoon the school called me to come pick Keith up. He was crying b/c his ear hurt. Greaaaaaat! I managed to get him a doctor's appointment that afternoon. Mind you, the child had not complained about his ears hurting at all before Friday at school. Before we got to his appointment, his eardrum had burst from all the pressure so he was feeling alot better. He's got drops we have to put in his ear and he's got to go back in two weeks to make sure it healed good.

We checked with my MIL, who was supposed to watch the kids this weekend to make sure she didn't mind a sick one. Not a problem for her so we dropped the kids off and took off for our "reconnect" weekend.

We didn't do much Friday night just relaxed, had dinner. Saturday morning all hell broke loose. As I was stepping out of the shower, Brian was just coming back into the motel room, REEKING of cigarette smoke. I said something about it and he says, "yeah, I bought a pack". When I asked why he would do that after not having smoked for nearly 6 weeks, he tells me that he's been smoking for over a week.

What the fuck?! I flipped. Him smoking again is one thing but sneaking around, deceiving me? Oh, that is a whole 'nother bucket of worms! I was furious and I'm still pretty darn pissed off about it. We "discussed" it a bit right then and then we went about our shopping. It was a very uncomfortable, quiet day. Later on that afternoon, we got into it again. He thinks I'm over-reacting.

I don't think so at all. Its not a nice feeling to find out that the man I married is sneaky and deceitful. I'm really having a hard time with that. The smoking is NOTHING at this point.

So it was an awful weekend and then I get home and Caleb is now sick also.

Just gimme a freakin' break already!!

what's new with us.

Keith got his cast off today! We've been counting down the days, let me tell you. We had our mid year conference with his teacher on Friday. I was so nervous! It went really well. She said he had made a lot of improvement since the beginning of the year, academically and socially. He is still pretty hyper but that's Keith....he is hyper. Whaddya gonna do, ya know? Yeah, maybe he could be ADHD, but its not severe and he can sit and concentrate on what he needs to do, he just has to wiggle around to do it. LOL! But she said she thought he would be more than ready for 1st grade which was a load off of my mind.

What's new with Caleb? Caleb, Caleb, Caleb.......well he won't sleep through the night. For the last month or more, he's been getting up 2, 3, 4, sometimes 5 times a night. I *think* its seperation anxiety. I don't know why he wakes up but once he does, he gets scared b/c he's alone. I think. I even took him to the doctor to make sure there was nothing wrong with him. It's getting very very old, this getting up during the night. Thankfully, since Brian isn't working, he's been doing the majority of it, but I still am awake when Caleb starts to scream. *sigh*

This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass.

Brian and I are going away this weekend, just the two of us. We need it desperately. I've begun noticing that I've been distancing myself from him. It's been a rough few months and I tend to isolate myself when I'm having problems. We need time to reconnect. I can't wait!

Why?

I can't apologize for my feelings. They are honest feelings and I can't change them. I am so very lucky to have carried in my body and given birth to two healthy children, I know that. Too many women haven't been able to have what I do.

But every day lately I question why God has decided that I should be the one to shape and raise these two stubborn, strong willed boys. On top of that, I wonder why he tests my strength and sanity at every other turn in everything else I do.

Keith has gotten better than he used to be, don't get me wrong. But every day is still a struggle. Every.fucking.day. I get so tired of it. And you know the old adage "learn by example". Yeah, that's what Caleb is doing. I've tried explaining to Keith that he's the big brother. The way he acts helps to shape the way Caleb acts. That apparantly has done no good. Why why why why why can't he just LISTEN? Just one day I would love for him to do what I ask. Even half a day. I want a day where I don't have to get after him for something.

And my husband. Lord knows I love him but he drives me crazy too. In the 6 or 7 years we've been together, he's had 6 or 7 different jobs. Apparantly he can't find one that suits him. Well, ya know what, I don't always like my fucking job either but hey, guess what I'm an adult. That means being responsible and doing things I don't like doing. So grow up and take some responsibility for yourself.

And clean the fucking litter box please. I'm getting sick of smelling it. It will really piss me off if I have to clean it.

sickness, broken bones and more bad luck!

You know that old saying, if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all? Yup, that's me! Seriously.

Brian was laid off from his job the beginning of January. No big deal, we thought, he'll sign up for unemployment. He did and was denied because he didn't earn enough wages in the right time period......whatever. So we are surviving on my income which just doesn't cut it. Saturday, the 20th, Keith spent the night with my MIL. Sunday morning around 10, Brian called her to see what time we should pick him up and we were informed that he had fallen off the couch Saturday night and was STILL complaining that his wrist hurt. After calling my mom to come watch Caleb, we picked Keith up and took him to the Emergency Room. After waiting and waiting and waiting and getting X-rays, the doctor says "Yup, he broke it." Thank God its his left wrist is all I gotta say! They splinted it and put him in a sling until Monday when we saw an orthopedist who casted it. I was FURIOUS with my MIL for not calling me. Brian didn't really see why. What the fuck?!


Monday night, Keith started running a bit of a fever but was okay then next morning so I sent him to school. When he got home that afternoon, he was running a hellish fever and was still Wednesday morning. He did not complain that he didn't feel good, just that he had a headache. So I kept him home and took him to the doctor. He had SEVERE tonsilitis and was not allowed back to school until this Monday.

Man, what a unlucky time we've had of it. I've got my fingers crossed that it gets MUCH better soon!

Day 2

Yesterday, ended up being our quit day.

All is going great, actually! I feel good, no horrible cravings. :-)

Seriously I think anyone wanting to quit smoking should look into Chantix. It really really does eliminate the cravings. The only problem is breaking the actual habit of lifting that ciggie to your mouth.

Time flies

Has it really so long since I blogged? Wow, time sure does fly when you work and have kids and tons of other things going on.

Let's see......what's happened in those three months....

Caleb got tubes in his ears and his adenoids removed on Dec. 9th. The surgery went well and he just had his checkup on Tuesday. Everything is looking good. He has had a cold since the end of Dec and his one ear is draining alot. At least the tubes are doing their job that way!

Keith is doing great in school. He still loves it! :-)

Christmas was good, the kids got way too many toys, of course.

I guess the biggest news of the new year is Brian and I are going to quit smoking. We've started taking Chantix, a new drug that blocks the receptors in the brain that respond to nicotine. We're on Day 5, with our quit date slated to be Monday, Jan. 15th.

I am going to make an effort to blog more often, I promise!

another rite of passage

I've become the Tooth Fairy.

My little boy is growing up so fast. I get wistful for his baby days when he gets home from school and he shows me the new thing he learned that day.

Where did the last 5 years go?

A trip down memory lane

Its hard to believe I have a son wandering the same elementary school hallways that I did, with the same kindergarten teacher. There have been some changes to the building and some changes in teachers. But it seemed to fade back into the school that I remember last night.

We went to Open House at the school last night. We had to sit thru a short Parent Teacher Organization meeting then browsed through the books at the Book Fair and got to see Keith's classroom, the library, gym, cafeteria, art room, music room, you name it, Keith showed it to us. He was SO excited. It makes me so happy that he loves school.

Today was Grandparents Day and the kids are allowed to go home with their grandparents after recess if they want. Mom said that Keith had such a hard time deciding what to do because he would miss his friends if he went home. :-)

It was a relief to see that Keith has made a lot of friends. I think that's something that all parents worry about. Its so important that their first year of school leaves them with positive memories. I've got my fingers crossed that it continues to be this great!

bitching and moaning

Seems like all I write about are complaints. Well, it is therapy of a sort!

Another rough morning at my house. Keith balked about getting dressed and outright refused to brush his teeth so into Time Out he went. Then begins the screaming, yelling and whining from him that I have to ignore. Do you know how hard that is? I want to scream at him to SHUT UP! It makes me what to rip my hair out. I get so freaking pissed off that he won't do what he's supposed to. How hard is it?? Let me brush your teeth!! Get dressed!! Why is that so hard? Why why why why why?

What I wouldn't give for an easy morning where everyone gets up and gets dressed and ready to face the day with no complaining or problems.

See? Its always the same with me..........bitch, bitch, bitch about the same thing. You'd think pretty soon I'd suck it up, right? And quit complaining. Yeah, sure, then I'll explode.

I was looking forward to next month. Brian was supposed to go to a two day conference with his bosses and the wives always go along to do shopping and such. I was really excited........a couple of days away, retail therapy, maybe the chance to meet up with a couple of friends.......

*POP*

That was the sound of my bubble bursting. The bosses decided that this conference wouldn't benefit Brian a whole lot so they'd like him to stay home and cover service calls. Thanks guys.

It's been awhile

Things are well, hectic in my life. I seem to be running somewhere all the time.

Keith has good days and bad days. He still LOVES school (Thank God!). They had vision screenings a while ago and he was referred to an optometrist. We went and he's pretty farsighted in his right eye. So now he has glasses, which hasn't been too bad. He doesn't really mind them.

Caleb.......oh boy. What a pisser. He is on the go all. the. time. And into something all the time. He loves to play with Keith but he can't always do what Keith is doing and Keith gets frustrated because Caleb won't leave him alone. *sigh* It seems all I say is "Caleb, NO!" The past 4 or 5 days, Caleb has decided to either get up early in the morning or during the night. This morning he was up at 2:20 am. I did get him to go back to sleep with me on the couch around 4 am. This makes for a very tired Mommy on top of this awful cold I've had for a month.

Brian has not been a whole lot of help lately. I don't know what caused the change. He used to do dishes sometimes, he used to do laundry, he used to vaccuum. Nothing now. He gets home from work, eats dinner and watches TV. Right now, I have a FULL sink of dirty dishes. I'm just waiting for him to say something about them. Cause I'm waiting for him to do them.

So far this week, he has not been home before 7 pm. On Monday, it was 7 when he got home. He had stopped at the bowling alley to pick out a new bowling ball that his mother is buying him. I, on the other hand, took Keith to the eye doctor as soon as he got home from school. Which is an hour trip, one way. So I got back around 6:45 and had to find dinner for Keith and I before I had to be at the fire hall at 7:15.

Last night, the boys and Brian had hair cut appointments at 5 pm. So as soon as Keith got off the bus, we took off. Brian met us there. After they got their haircuts, Brian had to go get his new bowling ball drilled. I took the boys home, got dinner, played, got them both in bed. Brian got home at 8:30 pm. Tonight he bowls.

*sigh* I feel like a complete lunatic most days. I have no patience, I'm exhausted, I really feel like I'm losing my mind.

World War III

Yup, its at my house.

So, the therapist was in total agreement about no meds and we now have a new Time Out system. Its hard. Keith, of course, hates it.

Dr. P assured me that it would get much worse before it gets better but he felt that this is not a serious problem and he doesn't think it will take very long for Keith to relearn what behavior is proper. He expects to see results quickly.

I hope so, I really really do.

Life just isn't fair, is it?

Caleb has had a cold for a week or so now and Sunday night I knew it was time to take him to the doctor and have his ears checked. Sure enough, he's just starting ear infections. This is only the second one he's had so I'm pretty happy with that considering by this age Keith had tubes.

Anyway, I was home with Caleb yesterday to take him to the doctor and while I could have done without all of the whining of a sick baby, I miss it today while I sit here at work.

I want to stay home with all my heart. I hate having days off because it just drives that fact home all the more. I. want. to. be. a. stay. at. home. mommy. I want to be able to be there when Keith leaves for school in addition to being there when he gets home. I want to be able to snuggle with my little man whenever I feel like it. I don't want to feel so freaking frazzled at night after I get home from work, trying to get dinner cooked and served, get the kids bathed and into bed, get lunches ready, etc. and have no time to spend playing with my kids.

We could afford for me to stay home......if we sold the house and my car. But it will never happen because my job provides our health insurance free of charge for the entire family. Lucky me, huh?