What happened to us?

My husband asked me this question last night after the biggest screaming fight we've ever had. And I have no clue. I don't know what's happening to us.

I do know between financial problems and Keith's behavioral problems, I'm so stressed out I feel like I'm going crazy most days. I know those things are affecting our marriage.

I'm resentful towards Brian because he has his bowling league once a week. And I don't feel that he contributes a fair share towards the household chores. I've asked him to help out more. He feels he's doing plenty, he tells me.

He's been so irritable and grumpy lately. I'm not the only one that's noticed it. Everyone has been asking me what's wrong with Brian? I have no clue. When I asked him about it he said he wasn't aware that he was grumpy.

Last nights fight started before we even got home from Keith's therapy appointment. I stopped to pick Caleb up from Mom and Dad's and Brian pulled halfway down our driveway, then stopped to yell at me about whether I was coming right home. I couldn't hear him so he squealed his tires all the way up the drive to come to where I could hear him. We went home and it was 83* in the house. He didn't turn the a/c on before he left because *he* thought it wasn't all that hot. It was nearly 90* outside yesterday and we have no shade around our house. I hate being hot so it made me extremely irritated.

Then we started in fighting with Keith to do a time out b/c he pushed Caleb. That's always good for some arguing between Brian and me. Then I noticed that the clothes still hung out on the clothesline. Oh except for Caleb's sneakers. Brian got those off the clothesline but left all the other DRY clothes behind. And the sink was FULL of dirty dishes. I should clarify that Brian didn't have to work yesterday and I did.

Now, I don't expect a whole lot, I really don't. But if you're home most of the day and there are things that need done, DO THEM! Well, apparantly, since he ran the vaccum, cleaned the litter box and did laundry on Saturday morning so the house was clean for people to use for the wedding (which they never did! GRRR) while I was "off playing with the girls, getting my hair done", that was good enough.........forever apparantly.

So I don't know what's happening to my marriage but its not so nice right now.

same old, same old

I know I haven't blogged in a while. There really isn't much to say. Work is work, school is still going great for Keith, he's seeing a therapist, we're still struggling but we'll make it, I guess.

My sister got married this past weekend. Keith and I were both in the wedding.


That's it, I guess. *shrug*

School days again!

School started on September 4th. Keith was very very excited and was so happy to be back to school! Go figure! LOL

I hadn't heard a word yet from his teacher so I assumed things were going fine but that little nagging voice inside wouldn't shut up.

I emailed the teacher yesterday and this is what she had to say....

Keith is doing fine. He is a very nice boy and has a lot of good things to contribute to discussions-especially if we are talking about snakes!!!

YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! After all of the negative emails I got last year, it was such a relief to get this!

You said what?!

My mother and I are very close. We get along very well. In fact, we live pretty much next door to my parents. The boys spend alot of time with them and Keith LOVES to do things with Papa.

It's rare when Mom and I have words so when we do it really bothers me.

Mom and Dad watched the boys while Brian and I met with Keith's new therapist last night. I called Mom when we got done and she said that Keith was not having a good night and had been having a bad tantrum. After we got home and Mom went home herself, I was talking to her on the phone. She told me that if Keith told me she has said some mean things, she had. Ummm okay. She said she told him that he was not allowed to come to their house again if he couldn't learn to control himself.

I was totally horrified! How awful to tell a child that has problems like Keith that he can't come back to his grandparents house until he can control his tantrums. And I told her so. I told her that was the most ignorant, awful thing she could have ever said to the poor kid, who has control problems. To which she told me she thinks he can control his tantrums, he just choses not to. What the fuck?!

I chose to end the conversation before I totally lost my temper.

I'm very disappointed in the way she handled Keith last night.

In other news, we really liked the therapist! Keith's first appointment is on Sept. 17th. "Dr. John" said that he wants to do Developmental Play Therapy with Keith. Keith will love that! LOL

Round 2

After increasing Keith's dose of Strattera, every little thing made him totally uncontrollable and hysterical. I picked up a prescription for Adderall yesterday. Hope this one is better.

oh so hard

I wish I could say things were much better with Keith. I wish that so much. They're not. We're still trying to find the right medicine/dosage. I've set up an appointment with a therapist. I'm doing my best but oh God, this is so hard.

Happy Birthday, Ryan

I'm thinking of Sherry and Mike today on Ryan's 2nd birthday.

What a long week!

Oh my goodness, its been quite a week.

After Brian's ER visit, I managed to get him seen by the urologist yesterday instead of today. They do not think that they can break the kidney stone up enough that it can pass on its own. Surgery is tomorrow! Yikes! He'll have to stay overnight but he recovery time is very short and he should be back to work on Monday.

I had an appointment yesterday with the OBGYN to discuss have a tubal ligation. We are done having children. We are so blessed to have the two beautiful boys we have. This decision bittersweet for me. I'm choosing to end my childbearing while so many others are struggling to begin their families or expand their families. The OB gave me two options. The traditional tubal ligation, which means surgery, etc. Or a newer procedure called Essure . This is non-invasive and is done right in the doctors office. This is what I've decided to do so hopefully it will be done next month.

So far so good

Keith hasn't had any adverse effects from the Strattera. The first couple of days it made him pretty sleepy and upset his stomach slightly but that has stopped. It has seem to calm him down a bit. The only problem is in the evenings when it wears off you can't stand to be around him because he's SO wired and difficult. That may warrant some discussion with the doctor as to what to do about that.

In other news, I'm SO upset and saddened by Kristin's latest blog posts but I'm going to hold onto that tiny glimmer of hope for as long as I can.

Also, I spent the day in the Emergency Room with Brian yesterday. He started having stomach and back pain on Sunday afternoon and it got much worse yesterday. It seems he has a rather large kidney stone. He sees the urologist on Thursday and we're hoping to get it taken care of ASAP!

Strattera, Day One

After much discussion and much soul searching, Brian and I have decided to try Keith on some medication.

His hyperactivity is bad. He simply cannot sit still or stand still or lay still. He is in constant motion. Which interfers horribly with his ability to listen. He can't focus on what you're saying because he has to move.

So today is day one of him taking Strattera . I hope we'll hit it lucky and we'll get great results from this. If not, we'll try something else.

He understands what this medicine is for and he seems very willing to take it. I hope that continues!

Congratulations!

Check this announcement out on Certainly Not Cool Enough to Blog !

I am sooooooooo excited for Kristin and her Beloved! Congratulations to them both!

Happy Birthday, Keith!

6 years ago at this time, I was in early labor! Hard to believe that much time has passed.

Keith's birthday party was last Sunday. Here's some pics for your viewing pleasure!

I was so proud of myself.........I decorated the cake myself!

6

Hard to believe its been almost 6 months since I quit smoking! Yay me! ;-)

Now if I could just get rid of this 15 pounds I gained when I quit, I'd be happier. Why is it so easy to put on and so hard to get off?!

I get really discouraged because I'm not seeing any results. I've been walking several times a week and really trying to watch what I eat...............and nothing. I yo-yo up and down 1 pound.

We have a new babysitter. Actually it's the same babysitter from last summer. She's a flake and tends to be a bit unreliable but the boys like her and her son doesn't hit mine so we'll manage for now.

Keith's 6th birthday is coming up. Where have those 6 years gone? We still struggle with him daily. He's got an attitude that I can't get out of him and he just won't listen. I don't know how much of it is normal behavior or if it isn't at all. I don't have another 6 year old to compare him to! At this point, we're just plugging along. My plan of action is to wait until school starts again and see what his 1st grade teacher has to say about his behaviour and activity level and go from there. I'm hoping for miracles to happen with him over the summer. Keep your fingers crossed.

still struggling

Things are not good with our babysitter and we are actively searching for a new one. We're not having any luck though.

I'm still struggling with my feelings on wanting to be home. I pray each day for something to work so that I can. I think there are probably ways that it could work but I don't know if they would be the right thing to do. It doesn't seem that its morally correct to accept public assistance just to be home with my kids but what's more important than my kids health and well-being? I'd gladly sell my organs right now if I could make sure they are well cared for during the day.

It's not just the babysitter issues. I've been at my current job for just over 6 years. The girl immediately before me was here for 5 years. The one before her was here for over 40 years and it showed. The woman was a tyrant. See, I do the accounts receivable at my company. This means I am the one that deals with all the people complaining about their bills, all the people trying to get out of paying their bills, etc. Of course, I also send out the bills and other stuff but the complaining/collections part of my job really really really sucks. And that is a big portion of my job.

When my alarm goes off in the morning, I get up pissed off because I have to go to work.

It's sucked something out of me. I see the worst in everyone immediately. I don't have sympathy for people anymore. I go through the motions and words of expressing empathy and sympathy but its not there.

I don't like the person I've become.

Mommy guilt

We all have it, don't we? Every single mommy feels guilty at some point, right?

I've been feeling increasingly guilty lately.

Keith is again having problems at school. He's hit another child with his hat, with clay and now has pinched a classmate. He is no longer allowed to wear hats to school because he has been throwing them on the bus. He's been difficult at home too. He's seeing the counselor at school and I'm searching for one to continue some therapy during the summer. Something directed at HIM not our parenting styles or discipline. Granted, I'm not a perfect parent and I'm sure I do things wrong but Keith is the one that needs help learning to control his anger and impulses.

The new babysitter for Caleb is ehhh. She's complained the last couple of days that Caleb is not listening well. And she actually hinted around today that I should give her permission to spank him. I explained to her that he's 2, he's testing her and under no circumstances is she to spank MY child. *sigh*

It hit me last night when I was talking to a friend of mine. Both of her kids are in school and she works but she doesn't have to be to work until later in the morning. She mentioned that she worked with her daughter on some school stuff before it was time for her to go to school. I don't have time to do that. I have to be to work at 7am, which is before the bus picks Keith up. Thank heavens for my dad, who watches Keith for an hour before the bus comes. I get up, get ready for work, get Keith ready for school, get Caleb ready for the sitter and come to work. After work, I pick Caleb up, get Keith off the bus, cook dinner, clean up, try to do things around the house and by the time I get a moment to play with the kids its time for them to go to bed because they have to get up early every morning. Times this by 5 and there's the week. Weekends are spent catching up from the week.

Here comes the guilt. I feel like I'm cheating my kids. I wonder if things would be better with Keith if I'd been home with him instead of working and having him in daycare. I've missed so much of their lives already. Hours and hours every day I miss. I don't feel like I'm being the best mother I can be.

This never used to bother me. I'm not sure why it is now. I don't know why I'm yearning to be home. But it should be. Mothers should be able to raise their children. It's the right thing.

Why can't it be that way? What's wrong with society that women have to spend money to have other people raise their children because they have to work? That's so wrong.

I left my baby with a stranger!

Okay, its really not as bad as it sounds. I know the woman, but Caleb doesn't! I'm talking about the new babysitter. Today is Caleb's first day at her house. Fingers crossed that it goes okay.

The drop off this morning went okay. Brian has always been the one to drop him off at daycare so this is new for both of us. He was pretty reluctant and upset when we first went in but I got some pudding out of his bag and he waved bye bye to me so he could go eat his pudding.

I'm sure he'll be fine.


Right?

Back to work!

Hooray! Today is Brian's first day at his new job! I'm totally thrilled. :-)

It was a bit hectic this morning getting everyone ready. It's been a while since we've ALL had to get ready to leave the house! But we managed and we were even all on time to our respective places.

I can't wait to hear how his first day went.

We're meeting with a new babysitter tonight. We needed to find someone close to home since our daycare is in the opposite direction than Brian and I both are working now. It saddens me b/c we've used this same daycare since Keith was around 1 and a half. I really hope this new sitter works out. Not sure what we'll do if she doesn't!

Three things.......

I was tagged by Nicole to do this. Thanks, Nic, you really made me think about some of these!

Three things that scare me:
fire
finances-not having enough money to provide for my family
death

Three people who make me laugh:
Keith
Caleb
My dad

Three things I love:
my kids (of course!)
reading
my husband (good thing these are in no particular order!)

Three things I hate:
SPIDERS! *shudder*
hypocritical people
my weight

Three things I don’t understand:
math (seriously, more than very simple math is totally beyond me)
how some people have no common sense
how all my money disappears so quickly

Three things on my desk:
bills
Keith’s schoolwork from the last couple of days
camera

Three things I’m doing right now:
typing this list ;-)
listening to the radio
procrastinating finishing my morning work

Three things I want do to before I die:
Travel overseas
get a tummy tuck
feel that I’ve raised my boys to be good people

Three things I can do:
crochet (okay, not very well)
cross-stich
read really fast

Three things I can’t do:
make gravy
sew
draw a straight line

Three things I think you should listen to:
rain
a baby laugh
silence

Three things you should never listen to:
anyone that doesn’t have your best interests at heart
whining
?? I’m stumped

Three things I’d like to learn:
Spanish
ballroom dancing
to crochet better

Three favorite foods:
dark chocolate
lasagna
pizza

Three shows I watched as a kid:
Sesame Street
Mr. Rogers
Full House

Three things I regret:
tying myself down to a boyfriend all through high school and not spending more time with my friends.
not becoming a veterinarian
taking time for granted

I tag Nina.

And the years go by....

It's hard to believe that three years ago today my grandpa lost his fight with lung cancer. It was a blessing when he finally passed on. The last month or so was so hard on him and all of the family. But the couple of months before that were priceless gifts. He was pretty much bedridden but we all spent countless hours by his bed holding his hand and talking. Sadly enough, I was much closer to my grandfather when he was dying than the years before.

Also, amazingly enough my baby boy will be TWO tomorrow. When I got pregnant and realized my due date was mid-April, I knew that baby had been with Grandpa. I went into labor one year to the day that Grandpa died but Caleb (following his great-grandpa's stubborness!) held off until the next morning. His middle name is Dale, in honor of my grandpa. And darned if that boy doesn't remind us very often of Grandpa! LOL!

We had Caleb's birthday party this past weekend. Here are some highlights.

Spring is here!

I am so excited that warmer weather has finally arrived!!

It really lifts my spirits when you don't need to bundle everyone up to go outside for 10 minutes! Keith and I went for a nice walk on Saturday and on Sunday he played outside in the dirt and stones for a couple of hours.

I LOVE SPRING! :-)