gee, wasn't that fun

*sigh* what a weekend.

Friday afternoon the school called me to come pick Keith up. He was crying b/c his ear hurt. Greaaaaaat! I managed to get him a doctor's appointment that afternoon. Mind you, the child had not complained about his ears hurting at all before Friday at school. Before we got to his appointment, his eardrum had burst from all the pressure so he was feeling alot better. He's got drops we have to put in his ear and he's got to go back in two weeks to make sure it healed good.

We checked with my MIL, who was supposed to watch the kids this weekend to make sure she didn't mind a sick one. Not a problem for her so we dropped the kids off and took off for our "reconnect" weekend.

We didn't do much Friday night just relaxed, had dinner. Saturday morning all hell broke loose. As I was stepping out of the shower, Brian was just coming back into the motel room, REEKING of cigarette smoke. I said something about it and he says, "yeah, I bought a pack". When I asked why he would do that after not having smoked for nearly 6 weeks, he tells me that he's been smoking for over a week.

What the fuck?! I flipped. Him smoking again is one thing but sneaking around, deceiving me? Oh, that is a whole 'nother bucket of worms! I was furious and I'm still pretty darn pissed off about it. We "discussed" it a bit right then and then we went about our shopping. It was a very uncomfortable, quiet day. Later on that afternoon, we got into it again. He thinks I'm over-reacting.

I don't think so at all. Its not a nice feeling to find out that the man I married is sneaky and deceitful. I'm really having a hard time with that. The smoking is NOTHING at this point.

So it was an awful weekend and then I get home and Caleb is now sick also.

Just gimme a freakin' break already!!

what's new with us.

Keith got his cast off today! We've been counting down the days, let me tell you. We had our mid year conference with his teacher on Friday. I was so nervous! It went really well. She said he had made a lot of improvement since the beginning of the year, academically and socially. He is still pretty hyper but that's Keith....he is hyper. Whaddya gonna do, ya know? Yeah, maybe he could be ADHD, but its not severe and he can sit and concentrate on what he needs to do, he just has to wiggle around to do it. LOL! But she said she thought he would be more than ready for 1st grade which was a load off of my mind.

What's new with Caleb? Caleb, Caleb, Caleb.......well he won't sleep through the night. For the last month or more, he's been getting up 2, 3, 4, sometimes 5 times a night. I *think* its seperation anxiety. I don't know why he wakes up but once he does, he gets scared b/c he's alone. I think. I even took him to the doctor to make sure there was nothing wrong with him. It's getting very very old, this getting up during the night. Thankfully, since Brian isn't working, he's been doing the majority of it, but I still am awake when Caleb starts to scream. *sigh*

This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass.

Brian and I are going away this weekend, just the two of us. We need it desperately. I've begun noticing that I've been distancing myself from him. It's been a rough few months and I tend to isolate myself when I'm having problems. We need time to reconnect. I can't wait!

Why?

I can't apologize for my feelings. They are honest feelings and I can't change them. I am so very lucky to have carried in my body and given birth to two healthy children, I know that. Too many women haven't been able to have what I do.

But every day lately I question why God has decided that I should be the one to shape and raise these two stubborn, strong willed boys. On top of that, I wonder why he tests my strength and sanity at every other turn in everything else I do.

Keith has gotten better than he used to be, don't get me wrong. But every day is still a struggle. Every.fucking.day. I get so tired of it. And you know the old adage "learn by example". Yeah, that's what Caleb is doing. I've tried explaining to Keith that he's the big brother. The way he acts helps to shape the way Caleb acts. That apparantly has done no good. Why why why why why can't he just LISTEN? Just one day I would love for him to do what I ask. Even half a day. I want a day where I don't have to get after him for something.

And my husband. Lord knows I love him but he drives me crazy too. In the 6 or 7 years we've been together, he's had 6 or 7 different jobs. Apparantly he can't find one that suits him. Well, ya know what, I don't always like my fucking job either but hey, guess what I'm an adult. That means being responsible and doing things I don't like doing. So grow up and take some responsibility for yourself.

And clean the fucking litter box please. I'm getting sick of smelling it. It will really piss me off if I have to clean it.